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From: From: <WestPac1@aol.com>
Date: 10/3/99
Time: 4:59:59 PM
Remote Name: 203.216.74.147
Webmonger, Unable to "copy" and "paste" any text to your joke form on endofhebar site. forwarding via email: My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf...you know, golf... that's the game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.
So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.
He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"
"Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off."
"What's tee off?"
"It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."
"Not for me" I said, "you can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."
"No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."
"Yeah, I've got one of those."
"Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
"You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around."
"You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.
He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"
"Sure"
"You're balls are in it, aren't they?"
"Of course," I told him.
"Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"
"I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to."
"Don't you have a zipper on your bag?"
"No, I am the old fashioned type."
"Do you know how to hold your club?"
Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.
He said, "You take your club in both hands..."
Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking about.
Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..."
No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.
He asked, "How do your hold your club?"
And before I thought about it, I said "With two fingers".
He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me.
Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four years in the Marines for nothing.
He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..."
I could well imagine that.
"... and when you're on the green..."
"What's the green?"
"That's where the hole is."
"Sure you're not color blind?"
"Then you take your putter in your hands"
"What's a putter?"
"That's the smallest club made."
"That's what I got, a putter."
"And with it, you put your ball into the hole."
I corrected him, "You mean the putter."
"No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
"Then," he said," after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17."
Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.
"You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"
"Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?"
"The flag will go up!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool." says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll Screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.
Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~